Here we go:

1. How do you turn any salad into a Caesar salad? Stab it 23 times.
2. A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, “Do you have any last requests?” “Yes,” replies the murderer. “Can you please hold my hand?”
3. Where did my grandfather go after getting lost in a minefield? Everywhere.
4. An apple a day keeps the doctor away… If you choke on it.
5. Why did Beethoven eat all of his chickens? When he asked them who the best composer was, they all replied: “Bach, Bach, Bach.”
6. Who is Bin Laden's favorite football team? New York Jets
7. How do you know if a country girl is a virgin? Have her and her brothers race. If she is faster than them she's a virgin.
8. What's the difference between a Pakistani elementary school and a Syrian military base? I don't know I just fly the drone
9. Did you know Hitler was in terrible shape for most of his adult life? They say he couldn’t even finish a race
10. What's the difference between a church and a boy? The church doesn't scream when the priest goes inside it.
11. How do you start a rave in Ethiopia? Nail a piece of toast to the ceiling.
12. Why do German shower heads have eleven holes? Ten fingers
13. What thing there used to be two of in US? 1. Twin Towers 2. Gender
14. Who’s never hungry at Thanksgiving? The Turkey, it’s already stuffed
15. An orphan used to visit the church every day, do you know why? To meet the Father
16. What did the woman with no hands get for Christmas? No idea. She hasn’t opened her present yet
17. What do you call someone who loves Mondays? Retired.
18. My wife is mad that I ruined our anniversary. I'm not sure how, I didn't even know it was today.
19. Why do dwarfs do drugs? To get high!
20. I never joke about dwarfs... I'm a responsible man, they look up to me!
21. Why did the dwarf cancel his job at the butchers? The stakes were too high.
22. A man wakes from a coma. His wife changes out of her black clothes and, irritated, remarks: “I really cannot depend on you in anything, can I!”
23. I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins. I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it. Then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.
24. I don’t have a carbon footprint. I just drive everywhere.
25. Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face like when you push them down the stairs.
26. My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her.
27. What does my dad have in common with Nemo? They both can’t be found.
28. Do you know the phrase “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure”? Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out that you were adopted.
29. My husband left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what he's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!
30. Why did the man miss the funeral? He wasn’t a mourning person.
31. I just read that someone in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy.
32. The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him with my gun. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.