Here we go:

1. Today, my son asked, 'Can I have a bookmark?' I burst into tears—11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
2. I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden. But how am I supposed to know when it’s raining in Sweden?
3. Everyone knows Murphy’s Law, where 'anything that can go wrong will go wrong.' But do you know Cole’s Law? It’s thinly sliced cabbage.
4. Albert Einstein was a genius who gave up wearing socks, so I wonder how smart I’ll become once I stop wearing pants.
5. A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.
6. My son’s fourth birthday was today. When he came to see me, I didn’t recognize him at first. I had never seen him be four.
7. I was out on a walk when I saw a sign that said, 'Man wanted for robbery.' So I went in and applied for the job.
8. A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don’t serve food here.'
9. It’s a shame that the Beatles didn’t make the submarine in that song green. That would’ve been sublime.
10. I know some people pick their nose, but I was born with mine.
11. I love reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had growing up. Good thymes.
12. I’m reading a horror novel in braille. Something bad is about to happen—I can feel it.
13. I got hit in the head with a can of Coke today. Don’t worry, I’m not hurt. It was a soft drink.
14. I made six figures last year. But this year, I’ll earn less since the toy factory fired me for being so slow.
15. Atoms are very successful. They’re into everything.
16. I ran track in high school, but luckily I never got hit by a train.
17. I’m so old that I remember when King Kong was only Prince Chimp.
18. You can put a man on the moon, but you’re not allowed to moon a man.
19. My kids call me a weekend dad. I take care of them every single day, but all that parenting leaves me very weakened.
20. Never hand Princess Elsa a balloon. She’ll just let it go.
21. I remember my first crush. It hurt … a lot. But what else should I expect from a 40-pound boulder on my foot?
22. Did I tell you the joke about amnesia? No really, did I? I can’t remember.
23. I never liked facial hair as a kid, but then it grew on me.
24. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!
25. Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.